February

  February had it's up and its downs.  I learned that I had a benign cyst.  Had my first mammogram, biopsy and I had surgery. Spent one day after finding out that it might not be benign writing letters to my children trying to find ways to let my children know they had a mom who loved them.  Then I pulled up my big girl panties and decided that I was wasting energy on that when the possibility of it being benign and that I would survive it even if it wasn't was extremely high.  So I stopped worrying about me.  Instead I worried about finances and normal mommy stuff.  I hugged my kids closer and distracted myself anyway I could.  After all I was going to live.  I did have one day where I thought that there are people that would probably be happy if the worse case scenario happened but after talking to my husband and getting a blessing I realized if they would be that callous then there is a reason they aren't in my life anymore.  Then once I started coming to terms with my stuff I learned that my Dad has Cancer.  All they knew at that time was that he had a huge mass in his esophagus.  At that point they gave him 3 months to live.  Later that week we learned it was in his lungs and they said he could go at anytime.  It is a strange realization to go from worrying about something so curable to worrying about your Father and him having something so definite as a time to live.  We didn't know how we would afford it but we didn't care.  I needed to see my Dad.  When we saw him he looked frail.  My Dad has always been strong in my eyes.  Seeing him frail was heart wrenching.  I lost my Mom when I was 14.  But I have always been able to call my Dad.  I love to listen to his voice even when he is being a punk.  That's our relationship.  We would talk.  We would laugh.  We discussed taboo topics like politics and religion and it was good.  I always called him when I had a question or I just needed my Dad.  Since we visited he has done Radiation to lessen the effects of the Cancer.  They don't feel it will cure him but he does have more time.  Talking is precious these days.  Mostly its an I love you and that is it because it hurts for him to talk.  Truth is I love my Dad.  It is devastating to know that he is suffering and that soon I will no longer have a parent to call.  I will have my husbands parents and they are great.  I will just miss my Dad.  But right now I can call him.  And that makes me happy.  In fact he just celebrated another birthday and I got to call him.  It is great to talk to him.  Even if it is short.  We hope that somehow we can visit him again soon.  Here are some pictures throughout the month.

These were my kids valentines for class.  Picture them with a tootsie roll stuck through two slits by their hands so it looks like they are holding it.

 

We like Studio C in our family.  Our kids thought this would be fun.

 

 Since my son feels he is a firefighter.  He did this.  Made me smile when I found it and had to take a picture.

 

Kids trying to do the shoulder angel thing again.

My husband took the kids to an indoor amusement park while I went to a baby shower.  Here are the pictures I took after the baby shower.

Why the baby is with her sister and not daddy I don't know.

So originally I was the one that picked the hotel that my sister's familys and my family stayed at.  It was supposed to have a water park.  Well apparently the water park was under construction.  I guess that is why it was such a good deal.  I felt bad that it was not as nice as I had told everyone it was.  However, the staff at the hotel more than made up for it when my niece got sick and they brought her flowers and crackers and soda and card hoping that she would feel better soon.  For that reason alone we were glad that we were there.  Even if the kids didn't get to play in the water to make the trip less serious for them.

My youngest pouting at the end of the hall because someone closed the door.

My kids saying good bye to Pop Pop.  She is acting shy here.  But there were some cute moments I wish I caught on camera where she would sit in my lap and lean toward him and smile and he would wave to her.

At the end of the month my daughter had a Patriotic Program.  She even had a line she made up herself with help from us.  She did great.

My husband's parent came.  They are so good at being there for these events.

Even though this has been sad and it will be sad when my Dad is no longer on the Earth.  I am grateful to know that he will be able to see my mom again.  I am grateful that I will see them again someday.  I think it is depressing to think that death is the end.  Some people may think I am foolish for believing in the spiritual aspect of life but I don't care.  My belief brings me comfort, peace, and joy to know that the valuable relationships I have here on the Earth continue after death.  That losing a mom at 14 doesn't mean that I lost her forever.  That someday I will be able to hug her again and hear her laugh.  That my Dad will be okay.
I wrote this in February on Facebook: I have a cute son. This morning he found me crying and asked why I was so sad. I told him because I was sad that my dad was going to die. He gave me a big hug and told me," It's OK mom. You have me. I love you". Which was followed by telling me that I have another daddy. And that my son's daddy isn't going to die. I told him he was right and gave him a big hug which made him smile and hug me tighter.